Friday, September 09, 2011
I have been contemplating anger, since I have my fair share of it. I have someone in my life who likes to put me down, and unfortunately for now, I am stuck dealing with this person. Lately I have been trying to look deeply into the situation of my response. Feeling the tightness in my being, the judgment toward this other person and also toward myself for judging, and for being angry, has been painful.
I just wanted to share about seeing into anger, and how intense it is. I have at times been very afraid of anger. It is difficult to see oneself in a positive light when one feels anger on a regular basis. Especially if you have low self esteem, or tend to beat yourself up, anger can be something that is hard to acknowledge or look at. This is understandable, especially if you grew up with an angry parent. But it really is safe to look at anger. It isn't a monster, it is just thought and energy, and when looked at deeply with awareness, one can see that it is okay to feel anger in oneself and other people.
For me my struggle has been with being put down by someone. I did not want another person to carry with them the belief that I was bad. In looking deeply I see that it is okay that they felt that way, and that I don't need to defend myself. Why don't we need to defend ourselves? Isn't it important that we stop other people from abusing us? Yes, that is in fact important. If someone is abusing us we have to tell them to stop. But it is not the abuse I am concerned with, since that can be stopped in an instant. It is the consecutive thoughts and feelings that linger in both people. And those are the things that can be left alone. It really is okay to let go of what someone else is thinking of you, even if they hate you, or believe that they do. Even if you will have to see them every day. This is because awareness is supreme over the ego. Even though ego feels that it is the center of the universe, it is like a pool with no reflection. Ego thinks that it is solid, and if it looks in the mirror it will see itself, solid, reflected back. But when one actually looks there is no reflection at all. So one can be put down, and smushed, and this is okay. We can focus on what is important which is our own connection, development of stillness and love. Part of that development is feeling everything including our own anger, rage, and hatred.